“Our lives are defined and valued by our Leaning Moments.”
-James Sarvis
Late Virginia Satir, known as the mother of family therapy, is quoted as saying, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”
If what she said is true, where should children be getting these hugs?
When a person leaves home with their spirit charged, it shows in their face and countenance, and with a happy disposition, are more than likely going to attract more Leaning Moments throughout the day. But sadly, kids are often rushed off to school before the sun comes up, and then come home late, rushed around some more, leaving little time for family connection.
I want to make it clear that I am not saying that everyone should hug everyone they meet on the street. There are a lot of ways that we can charge the spirit. Leaning Moments are anything from a hug, a wave, friendly conversation, a smile, or anything that connects us to each other. What I am saying is, we need to start in the home.
I met a young mother, not long ago, holding a 9 month old baby. She was leaning to her and talking to her. In our conversation I asked her if she had heard the quote from Virginia Satir. This lady was married and had 2 other young children, and seemed to have a very loving family. Her response was “I’m not familiar with it”, she looked down at her baby with a big smile, gave her a hug, and continued, “but we must be doing good, she gets her 12 hugs checked off by breakfast time.” You can probably predict that this babies future is pretty bright. And, more than likely, If this baby is getting 12 hugs by breakfast time, the rest of the family is as well.
In contrast, I met another young mother who was concerned with her sons changing behavior. She told me that his dad had died within the last year or so, and that an uncle that he was close to had died recently, as well. He was beginning to bully other children and losing empathy. The next statement stuck with me until this day, and I am afraid it represents an attitude spread across the country. She said, “ I want the schools or doctors to do something”. This boy had lost 2 important people in his life, and with that the opportunity for more Leaning moments. At this realization, I asked her “how many hugs a day is he getting at home?” And her answer was, “well, I guess probably none”. So, I asked, “well, How many hugs do you get a day? She said “oh I get lots, I have to have them!”. Unfortunately, this mom didn’t make the connection that she needs hugs throughout the day, but this little boy wasn’t getting any.
This is a theme that I see all too often with my work. We have become dependent on schools and doctors to mold our children. But, I have learned that to help the child, we must start with the parents. How can we expect children to be in balance when the parents are out of balance. I’m not passing judgment. I believe that when people know better, they will do better. Shania Twain, during emotional turmoil from a breakup, was told that she needed to get professional help, and her response was, “but isn’t there something WE can do?”.
If these stories represent our country, one could ask the question, is America surviving, or are we growing? And, Isn’t there something WE can do?
These articles are co-written by James and Elisha, based on the books and work founded, by James.
What is a Leaner Kid? In this story we have two young men, Riley Howell and Kendrick Castillo, who have risen to national prominence because of their heroic acts to save others, and who had real power and strength on the inside. Then, we have two young men who we villainize because of their cowardly acts, who were weak on the inside, and tried to gain instant, external power using guns.
I call those first two young men, Leaner kids. I didn’t know either one of them, but when you read news accounts, pay attention to the image that people are painting. What they had in common were that they leaned to others, they had strength on the inside, and when faced with a problem, they leaned towards it, they both were in college, leaning forward towards a goal, and they had Leaner parents. Leaner kids, as I call them, are only produced by Leaners, and that never just happens. A Leaner can always go back to a mom, dad, or someone in their life that made them who they are, in a positive way. A Leaner.
The Shooters were the opposite of a Leaner.
I spoke with a woman recently who counseled kids from elementary age to high-school, and she said that the troubled kids always had the same story; no encouragement at home, no goals and feeling like life is meaningless. And, just as sure as Leaners produce Leaners, Non-Leaners produce Non-Leaners. This also never just happens.
The Leaning Institute is about developing and sharing ways to create strength on the inside. It almost never works out well when a weak person has access to instant power on the outside, whether it be a gun, winning the lottery, or any other power.
In my work I describe a balanced life as, our spirit being charged from Leaning Moments first, then having our basic needs met, like food and shelter, and lastly, having that feeling of moving forward (nobody likes feeling stuck).
We should all stop and think about those 2 Leaners. This is a real loss to everybody. We didn’t just lose 2 young men, we lost two assets to the country, and our communities. If one believes that Leaners produce Leaners, think how many potential Leaners could have been created by these two outstanding people. Where as these non-Leaner kids have produced hurt, and very likely will produce more non-Leaners. People will have to guard these kids for the rest of their lives in a dark place where darkness creates more darkness. Instead of what could of been positive money going to the Leaner boys, we are having to invest in the shooters forever.
Through my travels and research, I realized that I had given a name to an endangered species. The mission of the Leaning Institute is to recognize Leaners, like these heroic young men, preserve the Leaners that we have, and foster new Leaners. In our society we’ve lost much of the habitat where Leaners can thrive, and have a healthy balance that produces more Leaners. I guess we could all take some blame for the destruction of the habitat. Much like our daily habits affect the earth, our daily habits are those moments that produce Leaners or non-Leaners, as well. As I said before, your Leaner may not be mom or dad, but grandma, grandpa, or someone not related at all. So, what we are trying to call attention to is that Leaners should step up and realize their internal power to create more Leaners. We think of conversion or redemption all the time, and changing direction of lives for the better. When a Leaner steps up and Leans to a non-Leaner, they are giving that person a chance to live a whole new life. In America, I worry that we are creating more non-Leaners than Leaners. By having a name to identify the most important people in the world, I am hoping we can tip the scale back to having more Leaners.
The shooters were described as being disconnected from the people around them.
Leaning moments connect us to each other.
These articles are co-written by James and Elisha, based on the books and work created and founded by James.
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