Isn’t there something we can do?

“Our lives are defined and valued by our Leaning Moments.”
-James Sarvis

Late Virginia Satir, known as the mother of family therapy, is quoted as saying, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”

If what she said is true, where should children be getting these hugs?

When a person leaves home with their spirit charged, it shows in their face and countenance, and with a happy disposition, are more than likely going to attract more Leaning Moments throughout the day. But sadly, kids are often rushed off to school before the sun comes up, and then come home late, rushed around some more, leaving little time for family connection.

I want to make it clear that I am not saying that everyone should hug everyone they meet on the street. There are a lot of ways that we can charge the spirit. Leaning Moments are anything from a hug, a wave, friendly conversation, a smile, or anything that connects us to each other. What I am saying is, we need to start in the home.

I met a young mother, not long ago, holding a 9 month old baby. She was leaning to her and talking to her. In our conversation I asked her if she had heard the quote from Virginia Satir. This lady was married and had 2 other young children, and seemed to have a very loving family.  Her response was “I’m not familiar with it”, she looked down at her baby with a big smile, gave her a hug, and continued, “but we must be doing good, she gets her 12 hugs checked off by breakfast time.” You can probably predict that this babies future is pretty bright. And, more than likely, If this baby is getting 12 hugs by breakfast time, the rest of the family is as well.

In contrast, I met another young mother who was concerned with her sons changing behavior. She told me that his dad had died within the last year or so, and that an uncle that he was close to had died recently, as well. He was beginning to bully other children and losing empathy. The next statement stuck with me until this day, and I am afraid it represents an attitude spread across the country. She said, “ I want the schools or doctors to do something”. This boy had lost 2 important people in his life, and with that the opportunity for more Leaning moments. At  this realization, I asked her “how many hugs a day is he getting at home?” And her answer was, “well, I guess probably none”. So, I asked, “well, How many hugs do you get a day? She said “oh I get lots, I have to have them!”. Unfortunately, this mom didn’t make the connection that she needs hugs throughout the day, but this little boy wasn’t getting any.

This is a theme that I see all too often with my work. We have become dependent on schools and doctors to mold our children. But, I have learned that to help the child, we must start with the parents. How can we expect children to be in balance when the parents are out of balance. I’m not passing judgment. I believe that when people know better, they will do better. Shania Twain, during emotional turmoil from a breakup, was told that she needed to get professional help, and her response was, “but isn’t there something WE can do?”.

If these stories represent our country, one could ask the question, is America surviving, or are we growing? And, Isn’t there something WE can do?

These articles are co-written by James and Elisha, based on the books and work founded, by James.